The Mom Friend
by DoctorWhodunit
Summary: When Levy finds an unsettling note on Lucy's coffee table, her alter-ego reveals herself: the Mom Friend. A story about an unmentioned boyfriend, inner voices, and Levy's terrible stalking tendencies.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: You are about to witness some exceptional detective work from Levy McGarden. Prepare yourself.**

* * *

Talk about a boring weekend. Homework: done. Chores: done, twice (college parties are such a mess, especially when you're not one of the people having fun). Not enough money to buy some quality literature. What a drag. The bored floppy noodles Levy had for legs almost gave out as she slouched against the wall, grunting in pathetic agony alone in her small apartment. Knowing that sulking wasn't going to help her, she stuck her phone out of her pocket and gave a quick look to her contact list, and, in the end, after long seconds of difficult thinking, unsurprisingly opted for the usual plan.

Spare key in hand, she stretched the soreness out of her back and trudged up the stairs, hoping that her last chance of escaping boredom was as bored she was. Levy held out the two hairpins she had gotten out of her hair earlier, fiddled about with the lock of the door and managed to open it in a matter of seconds. She smirked at how fast she became at this as time went by.

"Luuuucy," she meowed as she casually flung her shoes off her feet.

Levy was met with seconds of silence, which didn't bother her since her previous hours of lonesome boredom accustomed her to the quietness of an empty room. She stepped in the living room thinking that Lucy would be back soon. It wasn't like she could be far away on a Sunday afternoon.

The aspiring writer's living room was unexpectedly tidy, so finding a ripped-off piece of paper on the coffee table sure was odd. She knelt down and recognised her neat handwriting.

 _Hey, intruder. I'm guessing it's Gray… or Erza. Or Levy. Or Cana. Or whoever really, who even cares at this point? You all seem to have a 'spare key'. Anyway, I went out to meet somebody. There's some leftover in the fridge if you're hungry. Don't break anything. Actually, don't do anything I wouldn't do in this place. And when I say 'place', I mean the whole apartment, not just the living room. Don't try to be clever. Anyway, too long of a note, I should cut it out right n-_

Levy didn't even chuckle at the voluntarily abrupt ending of this note, she was too busy staring at the most important sentence of this meaningless monologue.

 _I went out to meet somebody._

How? Why? She's known Lucy for a long time, she knew that she didn't normally go out on Sundays (she would usually find her trying to overcome writer's block), and if she were to go out, it wouldn't be with _somebody_.

 _I went out to meet somebody_.

"She might as well scream ' _HEY_ , I went out on a _DATE_ with my _UNMENTIONED BOYFRIEND!_ '"

The blood red alert alarm rang in her paranoid mind as the prospect of Lucy having a boyfriend she knew nothing about hit her. She whirled around and dropped the note, and before it could even graze the carpet, she had slammed the door shut and dashed out of Lucy's place. Her bored state of mind had vanished to make room for her ever so alert and powerful alter ego: MOM FRIEND™ Levy McGarden. When she noticed the personality shift – meaning that when she was already out of Lucy's building – she stopped.

Much to Lucy's and her own chagrin, being three years older than Lucy and being her beta-reader for a few years now, she grew to feel like her mentor, someone who has to look after her in moments of need. Like this one, apparently. And this kind of moment always led her to some inner conflict that always ended up the same way, but she unconsciously gave it a try anyway.

 _Seriously?_ she thought. _What am I doing? I'm not going to stop her date! Why do I have to be such an overprotective mum?!_

 _Voice of Overworking Imagination: Listen. Crazy things happen out there. What if the guy happens to be a serial killer? What if he's the Zodiac killer?! This Teddy's still on the loose!_

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: Really? The Zodiac killer? And who's Ted-_

 _Voice of Overworking Imagination: Who cares?! This situation is dangerous and we don't know what could happen!_

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: She's 16! There's nothing wrong with her engaging in some harmless fun with a guy. She's a teenager, those things are bound to happen. Lucy's a clever girl and she is resourceful enough to defend herself if needed._

 _Voice of Overworking Imagination: Buuuut what iiiiiif…_

 _Referee: What an unbeatable argument made by Overworking Imagination!_

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense:...We need to talk._

* * *

The park was the perfect spot for a first (or maybe a fourth _UNMENTIONED_ ) date. The scent of flowers perfuming every steps passersby made towards them. The jovial sounds children made as they threw flying discs at each other. People reading their newest purchased book by the shade of a tree. Couples lying down on a blanket, sunbathing and chatting. Truly, the park was a safe and peaceful place for a date. However, one person stood out in this heavenly place. With sunglasses, a long brown coat and a hat, 'suspicious' wasn't striking enough of a word to describe this person. And let's not even talk about the blue hair sticking out of the hat like a shonen manga main character trying to blend in the real human world.

Guess who.

The tiny private detective that Levy was seemed to use her sunglasses more like binoculars than actual glasses that protected her eyes from the sun. Adding to her already suspicious look, she had taken some bread crumbs with her so she could throw them from the bench she was sitting on, making pigeons gather around her, which gave her an even more ominous presence. Well, as ominous a presence as a tiny, blue-haired, detective-looking girl surrounded by loud and hungry pigeons can have.

Stealth was not her forte.

An hour went by and still no 'boyfriend' or under-age and familiar blonde girl in sight. She started to lose all hopes of finding Lucy here, thinking that she went somewhere less cliché for her first date. However, as she stood up to exit the park, leaving all of her pigeon friends behind, she gasped and quickly hid behind the nearest bushes.

"Here they are," Levy muttered, eyeing them from behind the bushes.

She could hardly make out who this new 'boyfriend' was as he walked beside her adopted child, also known as Lucy Heartfilia. The boy didn't seem to wear anything fancy for a first date, just a t-shirt and shorts… and a scarf, in summer.

"This boy is weird," she noticed.

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: Says the one hiding behind bushes._

 _Referee: Touché!_

"Shut up, me," Levy said under her breath.

The next thing that struck her as she examined this specimen of a boy was his hair.

"Pink? Really?"

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: Erza's is red. Yours is blue. Colours are a thing. Build a bridge and get over it._

 _Referee: Damn girl, you're on a roll!_

"If you don't shut up I swear to g-"

 _Voice of Overworking Imagination: Look! He's smiling! A chill ran down my spine the moment I saw his smile. Such harmful intention behind this grin. I can feel it. It's cold, menacing, dangerous… but so tantalizing. What is it? I can't stop looking. It hurts. It hurts so bad. It's piercing right through me._

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: What's piercing right through you are the thorns of the bushes on the back of your hand._

"I said shut u- _Ouch!_ "

The pain was so abrupt that she didn't have time to cover her mouth with her hands, and the boy snapped his head around to look at where the shout came from. Hidden by the bushes, he couldn't see any suspicious blue-haired girl who had been trying to spy on them for about an hour, but _she_ could see him. Her jaw dropped.

 _Natsu Dragneel?!_

Levy certainly didn't expect him to be the mysterious somebody Lucy was meeting.

She pulled out the dusty mental file she had on Natsu Dragneel. She had seen him once before but she couldn't remember where and in what circumstances, but she knew she hadn't talked to him. She had heard of him a few times, he was one of Lucy's classmates. He didn't have great grades, and he would often pull pranks on people with a certain Sting Eucliffe. And to add to that, he was also Gajeel's cousin. In Levy's very objective opinion, Natsu Dragneel was in two words: a Certified Troublemaker®.

 _Lucy is a clever girl, why would she ever want to be with a guy like him?_

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: You know he's her classmate, they're probably just hanging out._

"...Only one way to find out."

Levy made sure they were at least 20 steps ahead before emerging from the bushes. This earned her some odd looks but she was too focused on the pair to notice anything. She started to follow them as they went on with their stroll around the park. They didn't seem too close, which made Exhausted Common Sense quite satisfied, but they weren't too far apart either, which put Overworking Imagination on edge. Distance was key, and crossing the limit would determine what Levy's next move would be.

Even though she was far behind them and she couldn't make out what could be said between them, they seemed silent.

 _Voice of Overworking Imagination: First date awkwardness if you ask me._

Levy gulped tensely at the thought.

After a few minutes of strolling and trailing, the pair walked out of the park, and so did Levy. When they stopped once or twice to look at items in a shop, she would stop and pretend to fiddle with her phone, or she would hide in an alley. She could not afford blowing her cover.

Ultimately, they stopped at a cinema and bought tickets for a movie.

 _Voice of Overworking: Cinema. How dangerous. A dark room full of people focusing on a screen... which means that nobody will pay attention to them. Anything and everything could happen in there, especially when teenagers are involved. Hormones could awaken. It would start with some innocent knee-touching, a shoulder brush, hand holding, and then, far more sinister things could occur... like T-O-N-G-U-E-S and-_

"ONE TICKET PLEASE!" she gasped as she slammed an unknown amount of money on the counter, sweating just thinking about all the sinister things her adopted child could be subjected to.

She wisely sat two rows behind them so she couldn't be spotted and also to be able to see what they were doing. A few seconds after the movie started, she finally realised that she could remove her sunglasses, allowing her to rest her spying eyes. She watched them for a good thirty minutes; they seemed to be intently watching the movie, and Levy started to think that maybe her Overworking Imagination had tricked her again, that maybe there really wasn't anything to worry about. But she still continued to watch them as she was not interested in what was happening on the screen. Kids equipped with swords and some sort of steampunk technology were fighting against a bunch of naked giants that destroyed walls. A friendly reminder that the movie industry could do about anything these days. Seriously, naked giants.

 _Ah, such great meme material_ , she thought.

But it was when she let down her guard that Natsu Dragneel made his pernicious move. He extended his arm as fast as a snake leaping up to catch its prey; he wrapped his arm around her and placed it on her shoulder, pulling her closer to his body.

 _My cue to action,_ she seethed inwardly as she suddenly leapt up from her seat. The enemy had perpetrated sin. The child had to be protected at all costs. Mission: Eradicate Pest. Target: Natsu Dragneel. Weapo-

"Sit the hell down!" a man shouted.

"You're blocking the damn screen!"

"I can't see shit, you're tiny not transparent!"

'I'm not actually small, I'm just making fun of your tiny _dick_!' would have been her comeback if she hadn't held herself back and quickly apologised before sitting back down. After going this far, she couldn't blow her cover like that. She needed to wait. Patiently.

 _Voice of Overworking Imagination: Lucy! She has already fallen into his trap!_

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: They're teenagers on a movie date, what's the big deal?!_

 _Voice of Overwhelming Fury: Both of you, shut the hell up._

Natsu Dragneel's arm had fingers, and those fingers started going up her hair. She had let down her hair and he saw in it the opportunity to entangle his fingers into it. Nonchalantly, he would twist a lock of hair and let it go. Levy saw this as a direct blow to her gut, basically telling her: What are you gonna do now?

Levy's hands were tied. She had no means of stopping him. She couldn't throw a fit in the cinema since he technically hadn't done anything wrong. She couldn't get Lucy's attention without being noticed. All she could do was twist in her seat desperately. She tightened the grip she had on her thigh since she sat back down, and she knew it would leave a mark later, but she didn't care. All she cared about were the fingers that were playing with the hair of her precious child. Her precious child who did nothing to stop him.

An hour later, the film was over. Under her long brown coat, sweat was profusely dripping down her body. She hadn't felt that much pressure in a long time. What a powerful opponent, this Natsu Dragneel.

The moviegoers went out of the movie theatre at once and, putting her sunglasses back on, so did she.

 _Voice of Overworking Imagination: Today, we are facing our strongest foe. Thus far, he has made no mistakes. He knows when and where to act. His strategic skills are out of this world. He managed to freeze any counterattack we could have come up with back there. He is sly. He is vicious. What a snake he is._

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: And there's a far more dangerous snake in his pants..._

 _Referee: Did you jus-_

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: Yes, now she's got real material to make her imagination work._

 _Referee: I like you._

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: Don't mention it._

"Enough flirting! Already got enough with Lucy and her 'boyfriend' already! Where are they?"

She scoped out the scene and quickly found them heading towards the nearest mall. She made a mental list of all the things that could happen with couples in a mall, and she narrowed it down to two options: the carousel and the photo booths.

Carousel or photo booth?

A photo booth sounded more likely, especially for a snake like him. It was a well-known fact that couples tended to be more intimate in photo booths; it could involve C-U-D-D-L-I-N-G or even worse: S-A-L-I-V-A E-X-C-H-A-N-G-E.

She swallowed at the mere thought of it. After taking a deep breath, the detective ran after them.

* * *

 **A/N: I hope you had a good laugh! I always felt like Levy could be the Mom Friend, and because of her quirkiness, she would be the most awkward of them all. And can you imagine a Mom Friend team with Levy and Erza?! Terrifying. Anyway, I hope you liked this madness of a first chapter~! Stay tuned for the next chapter, a special guest (that you definitely already know because it's on the list of characters featuring in this story) will appear! I'll leave you to your guesses as to what will happen! Please review~**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews! I was really happy to see that you all had a good laugh! Now, more trouble is coming your way, have fun~!**

* * *

 _People. What a drag._

No need for stealth there, the mall was overly crowded. She examined her surroundings, trying to assess the battlefield as accurately as she could. Hundreds of people were in this mall, they could be anywhere. Before losing track of them in this sea of people, she saw them stopping by a bakery, but when she got there, they were already gone. However, Levy had narrowed down the places where they could go to only one: a photo booth.

"Well, now that's going to be a challenge," she sighed.

She gave a look at the map of the mall. Photo booths had a place assigned to them in the mall. Twelve. They were twelve photo booths in one designated area, and judging by the amount of people, most of them were probably occupied.

Levy went further into the mall to find the photo booths. She almost stopped at a small bookshop inside the mall but she judged wise not to enter it, this would have disrupted the purpose of her main mission. Even _books_ could not get in the way, which was a testament to how important the mission she had undertaken was.

She arrived near the spot pretty quickly, but as she foresaw it, most of the photo booths were occupied. The curtains were drawn to ensure privacy so there was no way she could know in which booth they were. She considered flipping the curtains of each booth but, considering her outfit, she could actually get caught by security guards for voyeurism.

 _Voice of Overworking Imagination: It's a ride or die situation, it's either flip all of the curtains or let this snake have the best of our beloved child. She is worth risking jail time for._

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: I think you should be called Reason Thrown Out The Window from now on._

 _Referee: Agreed._

 _Voice of Overw- Reason Thrown Out The Window: Is there something going on between you t- Wait! Don't just go editing my name like that!_

"You had it coming."

This inner fight was not helping, and time was running out. Maybe mischief had been done by now. Panicking and frantically looking around the booths, actually reconsidering flipping some curtains, two kids got out of one of them with candies in their arms.

"Trading a pile of candies against seats in a photo booth, now that's what I call a good deal!"

 _...A bribe?_ Levy thought. _That sounds like something a vicious snake would do!_ Without any second thought, she hurried towards the booth the two kids had just come out of. However, when in front of the curtain, she judged wise to make sure who was in the booth. To do so, she stuck her phone out of her coat pocket, opened the camera app on 'Selfie' mode, discreetly placed her phone on the floor so that only half of it went beyond the curtain, and took a picture.

When she gave a look at the picture, her jaw dropped. It wasn't a picture of the snake engaging in some sinister cuddling with her beloved child. There was only one person in this booth, and she knew him pretty well.

Levy flung open the curtains. " _Gajeel?!_ What are you even doing here?!"

"Shut up! Just get in already," he hissed, dragging her inside the booth by the elbow. As she sat down next to him, Gajeel eyed her from top to bottom. "I almost didn't recognise you with your… whatever trendy outfit that _thing_ is supposed to be. Why are you wearing sunglasses indoors?" he sneered.

"Never mind that," she snapped, taking her sunglasses off, "have you been _spying_ on them too?!"

"Natsu's my little cousin, gotta make sure he doesn't mess things up," he whispered. "By the way, they're in the booth next to ours."

Levy looked discreetly behind the curtain, but she could only see two pairs of feet that seemed to belong to Gajeel's cousin and her beloved child.

"Their four feet are still on the ground, so that's something," she noticed, sighing in relief. She glanced back at Gajeel then, "is it really just to look after him?" she asked in disbelief. "How cute of you that would be, but I know better," she snorted.

Gajeel raised his hands and chuckled. "Gihihi, you got me, it's also so I can make fun of him _if_ he messes up."

Levy rolled her eyes in amusement. "Your inner gossip must be in heaven right now."

"I'm not a gossip," he argued, "I just gather information."

"You're such a Gossip Girl™," Levy insisted, chuckling as she said it. "And I bet every time you go back to your place you're like 'Lily! Oh, my, God, you're never gonna believe what happened today'. You just need the Valley Girl accent, the fancy outfit and the hand gesture that goes with the 'Oh. My. God.' and you're ready to go!"

Gajeel would normally have snapped back with another snide remark, which was how they usually worked together, but instead, he focused on the hand gesture she imitated.

"What's wrong?" she asked as he reached for his backpack.

"The back of your hand. How did you do that?"

Levy paused for a second, not understanding why this was important, and she blinked, looking down at her hand. "That? It's nothing. It's just… I was hiding in the bushes," she muttered, embarrassed, "and a thorn touched the back of my hand."

"It made a clear cut," he grunted. "I swear, people can't take care of themselves properly," he sighed, pulling an unused band-aid out of his backpack. "Gimme your hand."

"Eh? It's not important, we've got another problem to take care o-"

And he took her hand anyway. He had a soft hold on her, which, oddly, made her feel secure quite quickly. "You'll have to disinfect that later. For now, this band-aid will do."

 _Voice of Reason Thrown Out The Window, Exhausted Common Sense and Referee: …I don't know what's happening, but I like it._

"About the pictures, here's the plan," Gajeel announced, not paying attention to Levy's flushed cheeks. "There's a hole outside their booth, that's where the pictures will come out when they'll be done, so since now you're closer to their booth than I am, you're gonna have to do the job. You're gonna have to be quick; you get out of here, run to their booth, whisk the pictures out, and you come back here as fast as possible. That way we can know what they've been up to in there."

She wanted to complain about the fact that she wanted to know what they were up to _now_ , but she realised she had no choice but to follow Gajeel's lead.

They were taking _forever._

 _Voice of Reason Thrown Out The Window: The ultimate deed may have been committed already…_

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: Right. In a photo booth. Do you even know how the human body works?_

"Touché," Levy muttered.

Gajeel frowned. "What?"

"Nothing," Levy coughed, "just growing impatient."

But it was at the moment her patience was starting to grow thin that the light above the photo booth lit up, meaning that they were done taking pictures. At this, she flung the curtain open and barged out of the booth, rushing towards the pair's. In no time, her hand had reached the hole where the pictures had dropped. But as she made a move to go back to Gajeel, two fingers slid past the curtain of the booth and held Levy's hand, pinching her hard.

"Ouch!"

"Gotcha."

The voice inside the booth sounded calm, but Levy knew it was the voice Lucy used when she was about to get angry. An angry Lucy was never pretty. A plan of action needed to be thought of immediately.

 _Voice of Reason Thrown Out The Window: Abort Mission! Back to safety! Ladies and gentlemen, in case of emergency, the exits are h-_

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: Shut up, we failed hard._

 _Referee: Can't argue with that._

The voice inside the booth flipped the curtain and revealed herself. The height difference was significant, especially since the booth helped Lucy gain a few inches.

Levy waved a dismissive hand and gave a shy laugh. "Hey, Lucy! It's been a while, hasn't it? How are y-"

"No need to laugh it off. I know you've been following us since I saw you with your crazy outfit in the park."

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: Busted since the beginning, now that's funny. Should have seen it coming._

Levy's shrill laugh faded slowly as understanding dawned on her. "Was it the outfit?"

"No. It was the _costume_ , Detective McGarden," Lucy emphasized, repressing a chuckle as she eyed her from top to bottom. "Why did you do this?" she ultimately asked, finally releasing Levy from her grip.

Levy thought back to what had triggered all of this. The note on Lucy's coffee table. The insanity of what her brain was made out of when _Mom Friend Levy McGarden_ awakened. But above all, among everything, the feeling of being left out.

"Because I would have liked to know beforehand that you had a boyfriend," she answered sheepishly. She rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment. "I know you don't actually owe me anything but… I thought you'd tell me this kind of thing."

Lucy instantly opened her mouth as if to say something, but she closed it promptly after. She pursed her lips then, and gave Levy a shy smile.

"It's exactly because I would normally tell you such a thing that I didn't tell you."

Lucy chuckled at her detective friend's lack of clues as to why she said this. As she was about to continue though, she noticed someone quite familiar coming in their direction.

"Natsu, you might want to come out, Gajeel finally decided it was no use tailing us any longer." An ounce of brag could be felt in her voice, making the voice inside the booth laugh in amusement.

"Too bad, thought it'd be fun to play his game a little longer."

As he finally showed himself out of the booth with his hands in his pockets, Levy went on with her explanation with a tinge of red to her cheeks.

"You're like a big sister to me," she timidly admitted, "sometimes I even feel like you're like my mum," she added with a laugh. "That's why I waited, I didn't want to introduce you to a boyfriend that wasn't worth it. A boyfriend that would get rid of me – or the way round – after a few days or weeks, you know?"

 _Voice of Reason Thrown Out The Window: Wow… We may have had wrong assumptions about this kid after all. (My name is still Overworking Imagination though, you need to correct that)._

 _Voice of Exhausted Common Sense: Yeah… to be honest, even I am impressed. (I still think that Reason Thrown Out The Window suits you better)._

 _Referee: Am I even needed here?_

"And is he?" Levy asked. "Is he worth it?"

Lucy turned her head around then, and looked at her adorable boyfriend's face for a second. She couldn't help but smile fondly. "Yes, he is."

"Who even are ya?" Gajeel commented wryly as he stopped beside Levy. "Didn't know ya could steal someone's heart like that, hothead. Well played."

"I knew which example _not_ to follow, Bolts-for-Brains," Natsu retorted, earning himself a laugh from Levy.

"Watch it, ki-"

"All right boys!" Levy interrupted. "I've heard that you two fought a lot but let's calm down a second, shall we?"

"Yes, _mum_ ," Gajeel answered.

"Watch it, kid."

"You're just as bad as him," Lucy chuckled. "Anyway, _kids_ , back to business." She gestured for Natsu to make a step forward, which he did without asking any question. "Natsu, do you know who this oddly dressed individual is?"

"I think so, Levy McGarden, right?"

"You told him about me?!" she blurted suddenly.

"Duh," came Lucy's reply, "of course I'd talk about my best friend to my boyfriend! Who do you think I am?"

"Someone who would hide her boyfriend from her best friend, maybe?" she declared innocently.

"…Touché."

"There you go. Now," she said, focusing her attention back to her beloved child's worthy boyfriend, "Natsu, I believe it's our first time meeting. Levy McGarden, nice to meet you."

She greeted him with a bright smile, and Natsu mirrored it with his trademark toothy smile, the one that always made Lucy melt. Seeing this gleeful grin on his face made Levy realise that, in the end, she had the wrong idea about him. She had thought he was a troublemaker that would take advantage of her innocent and beloved child. _How wrong I was_ , she thought as she stretched her hand out to him. _He seems lovely_.

It took Natsu an unusual second to understand that he had to shake the hand Levy had just stretched out to him. He hastily whipped his hand out of his pocket to shake hers. However, he did it so fast that what was in his pocket jumped out in the middle of the two pairs and fell to the ground.

The _c_ _l_ _ink_ of handcuffs followed by the sound of a wrapped condom cancelled their very first handshake.

Natsu froze.

Lucy facepalmed.

Gajeel whistled.

 _Voice of Reason Thrown Out The Window, Exhausted Common Sense and Referee: …Kill the bitch._

* * *

 **A/N: Did you see this coming? I bet you didn't~! I had a lot of fun writing this one, especially with the addition of Gossip Girl Gajeel xD. So, what will happen to our seemingly sinful couple? Will Common Sense ever stop being exhausted? Will Reason Thrown Out The Window get her birth name back? Was Levy right about Natsu in the end? Will she commit murder? Will I ever be able to convey suspense and worry in a Romance/Humor fic? You will get all the answers very soon~! Stay tuned for the next and last chapter of Levy's thrilling detective adventures! Please review~**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you again for your support! Your reviews really made me enjoy writing this trainwreck of a fic! And now, on to the climax!**

* * *

"I-I can expl-"

" _Nope!_ " Lucy shouted, spinning around and dashing the other way with a strong grip on Natsu's wrist. "Previously on 'Natsu messes everything up big time!': You just dropped a pair of _handcuffs_ and a _condom_ out of your pocket, there's no way you'll be able to reason Levy now! Why did you have the handcuffs in your pocket anyway?! Oh, whatever! Just _run_!"

T-O-N-G-U-E-S were child's play compared to what Reason Thrown Out The Window had in mind at this moment. T-O-N-G-U-E-S were obviously involved, but she came to wish those were the only body parts involved. How dreadful.

Levy's Overwhelming Fury took longer than necessary to process that her sinful child and her worthless boyfriend had just fled the crime scene. When she snapped herself out of her trance, she only thought about one thing.

"It's hunting season."

 _Exhausted Common Sense: Wait. Are we actually going to run after a sadist and his masochist of a girlfriend? Really? All right, I'm clearly useless here. I'm out. Reason Thrown Out The Window, you take it from here._

 _Reason Thrown Out The Window: Got it! (It's not Reason Thrown Out The Window, it's Overworking Imagination)._

 _Exhausted Common Sense: (Yeah right). See you around._

 _Referee: I'll come along. Have you met Procrastination yet? She comes around often and she's got a restaurant, we should go there, you usually have to wait a while before your order comes but I promise the wait is worth it..._

"This isn't happening, is it?" Gajeel complained as he watched this mess of a detective run after them with her almighty rage. "Oh well," he sighed, "it ain't like I've got anything else to do anyway."

And without further ado, he started running after her. A crooked smile appeared on his face as he overheard the joyous and innocent shout of a kid behind him.

"Mum, look! Handcuffs! Let's play Cops N Robbers!"

 _More like Cops N Rubbers_ , Gajeel thought.

Finding Detective McGarden as he exited the mall was no difficult task, she did stand out in the middle of a normal city crowd. Thanks to his long legs and her comically weak speed to rage ratio, he caught up to her in no time.

"Why are we running after them?" Gajeel asked nonchalantly.

"I don't know yet," Levy gasped, "but I think they're heading towards the park I first saw them in."

"Why would they go there? There's only one entrance, and this entrance is also the exit," he remarked, "they'll be trapped the moment they enter the park."

Out of breath, Levy managed to say, "I'm guessing your cousin is dumb enough to do that."

"What makes ya think he's the one taking her there?"

"'Cause Lucy isn't dumb enough to do that."

Gajeel had to admit, that was most definitely true. Lucy had actually helped him in the past with some of his problems, and he knew that the girl was a clever specimen. Indeed, only Natsu could think of going to such a trap of a place.

Levy, who was already out of breath, suddenly blushed as she remembered in what circumstances she met Natsu for the first time. She didn't think he even saw her that day, but even thinking about it was enough to embarras her. _The s-sex shop_ , she stuttered inwardly.

 _Voice of Reason Thrown Out The Window: I'm sorry! I was c-curious (which is one of the reasons why my birth name is Overworking Imagination) and it was a one-time thing! L-let's just not thinking about it, okay? Let's keep it PG-13_ _. Oh, look in front of you, the bunch of sinners just turned right!_

 _Good! We're getting closer to them_ , she thought, completely forgetting about the overly curious voice in her head.

 _Voice of Reason Thrown Out The Window: Phew._

Their chase lasted a few more minutes. It consisted of shouts directed at the pair of runaways, odd and surprised looks at the bunch of people – within which was a suspicious blue-haired man-looking individual with a brown coat way too long for someone this small – and an awful amount of running. Seriously, so much running was involved, too much for Levy's liking.

Levy's prediction was indeed correct, her mouth widened as she saw them entering the park. It took Levy and Gajeel some more running around the park to finally catch up to them as the sinful pair had come to a sudden halt with their back to the entrance. Levy asked herself why they would stop so close to the exit, but she concluded that they were probably too exhausted from running. So weak.

"Done running away?" she bragged as she nearly coughed her lungs out.

The couple was standing a few feet away from them, and they looked ready for a final showdown.

Lucy sighed. "Levy, you need to hear me out, this is your last chance to have a civil conversation between reasonable adults."

 _Reason Thro- Overworking Imagination: 'Reasonable adults' you say? Seriously? Reason? I threw that out the window a while ago… DAMMIT! Anyway, doesn't matter, I rule here._

"I refuse," Levy answered curtly.

Lucy sighed again, more deeply this time. "I'm sure you'll be able to talk calmly next time we see each other," she declared. "I'm sorry," she said gravely. "Natsu, it's your time to shine. Don't make _too_ much of a mess."

"What are ya up to, hothead?" Gajeel blurted. "How come she let ya handle everything? I know that everything's fine between you and Lucy, but I don't think Levy feels the same way. Ya have a death wish, kid."

Natsu snickered as he stepped in front of Lucy. "Everything's under control, metalhead." He focused his attention back to Levy then. "Miss McGarden, I'm sorry, I'm guessing all of this is a very bad first impression of me, but once you'll be in a better mood and ready to hear us out, you'll just laugh thinking about what just happened."

"And what will happen?" Gajeel asked cunningly, curious to know what was the new trick his idiot of a cousin had up his sleeve.

Natsu smirked. "Doomsday."

"Gajeel, I didn't know your cousin was so dramatic," Levy joked.

"Didn't know either," he laughed.

"Keep underestimating me!" Natsu exclaimed. "You won't laugh when the final judgment will fall upon you from the heavens up above!"

"When you'll be done with high school," Levy teased, "I think the university theater club will be more than glad to welcome you!" She was really confident in herself, almost arrogant, which was quite surprising coming from her, as if she had thrown all reason out the window. "What are you going to do? Call up your dragon friends from 'the heavens up above'?"

The smug look Natsu had changed to make room for a toothy roar of laughter. Confidence? This was something he always had, and Lucy knew it, but this time it was overwhelming.

His toothy smirk didn't leave his face. "Dragons? Not quite, might use that though."

"Use what?" Levy and Gajeel asked in unison.

"Glad you ask," he answered arrogantly. "You know? It's all thanks to you, Miss McGarden. I – well, everyone – had noticed a suspicious person with a long brown coat on a bench. And after seeing that, I thought, 'oh, this could come in handy someday', and wow, I didn't think I'd get to use it the very day I thought about it."

Levy suddenly seemed puzzled by what he was on about. What could she have done in this park that stirred such a masterpiece of a plan in Natsu Dragneel's mind? It wasn't like she had done anything special, except the whole stalking thing. She started to observe him then. She tried her hardest to figure out what he was up to to be able to counterattack quickly, but there was nothing to be found. He had no bag. Lucy didn't seem like she was going to help. It was just him and his clenched fists, and she didn't think he was ready for a fist fight, especially with Gajeel beside her.

"No need to try finding anything," Gajeel taunted, "he's just full of shit."

Natsu laughed again and squatted down. "Oh, Bolts-for-Brains, I wonder who's gonna end up full of shit after that! _Dragon Slayer's Secret Art!_ "

"Wh-"

Before they could even voice their lack of understanding, Natsu jumped up and used his momentum to throw at them whatever was in his clenched fists. " _Pandemonium!_ "

The first reaction they both had was to cover their eyes from the projectiles Natsu had just thrown. _What was he thinking_ , they thought. But it was already too late, as they looked down on the ground, understanding slowly dawned on them.

"Bread crumbs," she said blankly.

"SHIT!"

Screams and shouts of distress fell from their arrogant mouths as a swarm of pigeons attacked them from the heavens up above. A ballet of feathers and stinky wings whirled and danced around them with a grace resembling that of a tribe of hungry badgers. _I fed you earlier, you ungrateful beasts_ , Levy seethed inwardly.

"Damn it, is that why he stopped at the bakery the moment they entered the mall?!" Levy shouted to herself. "Out of the way, pigeons! Gaj-"

"Stop talking! Just run! Never thought I'd say that one day but we just can't do anything against bread crumbs!"

Levy didn't make him repeat himself. She covered her eyes as she sprinted herself out of the pigeon army, drawing the attention of everyone in the park, which didn't really matter at this point. Her safety as a human being was more important than anything else. She swung her arms around to try and take down the unexpected air force, but the amount of bread crumbs was too much of a free food opportunity for them to back down. Eventually, she managed to get away from the pigeon legion without any bruises, followed a second after by a pissed Gajeel.

"Aaah!" Levy gasped. "They ran away again! And we have no idea where they went!"

"I'm gonna give him hell the second I see him, this little shithead!"

"Glad to hear that," she said, wiping some of the feathers that got stuck on her coat. "I wouldn't want your cousin to do any more dangerous things with my Lucy."

She felt tension in her nerves as she said that. She quickly forgot about what had happened, because she was only legitimately afraid for Lucy. She just didn't want her to do things she wasn't ready for. They hadn't had "The Talk" yet. She was just worried, and Gajeel noticed it.

"About that," he started in a more serious tone, snapping her out of her thoughts, "I know that Natsu is a little piece of shit that deserves karma to catch up to him at some point-"

"I don't know where you're going with this but it's a really bad start."

" _But_ ," he continued, ignoring her remark, "I've known him for a long time, I know how he works, and I can guarantee you that he's treating your Lucy properly. Or at least, the way she wants to be treated."

Levy eyed him and saw that he was being honest. She had known him for a long time, and only a twitch of his face could tell her if he was confident in what he was saying or not. He was.

"I'll trust you on that, I guess…"

"Eh, do whatever ya want," he sighed. "It's been fun, but I guess there's nothing to do now, so I'm going home."

 _Overworking Imagination (because yes, that's my actual real name): Well, that was quick._

 _Such a useless line to end on_ , Levy thought.

Gajeel was right, they had nothing to do here anymore. She would have to go back to her boring day with nothing to do at her place. It had actually been fun, this little detective work of hers. It would be a waste if such an entertaining day ended with a defeat.

"Gajeel, wait. I'd have to go and change first but… care for a drink?"

* * *

 **A/N: Aaaand we're done~ *throws confetti everywhere* Yes, that's actually how I'm going to end this fic. Writing Levy was by far the most fun part for me; her inner voices crack me up xD. Well,** **I hope you had fun until the very end~** **Please review :)**


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